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June 03, 2005
Why We Don't Get More FDI (Update, Reason II; Update Reason III)
Well, that would be the absurd lies told combined with how much of a pain in the ass it is to get information that resembles real information.
Lies, like bribery, I am fine with if they are well-constructed, and have some relationship with fundamentals. In which case we call it "smart marketing."
Lies that are pure fabulations merely reduce credibility, for their obviousness and stupidness.
Such as making the claim "When [Insert Name Here] comes here they are so impressed they immediately want to invest in [Insert other name here]." Now, anyone doing their due diligence will shortly or even at that time know this is false. Why say it? Sort of a cheap used car salesman strategy. Seems clever, really isn't.
Now, the other irritating issue is the control of information. I want some public information. If I get it, it does into a project proposal that could land these worthless jokers some nice pot of foreign money for their worthless backwards little filthy town. I've done me homework, I made the connexions, and blah blah. Okay, I find the fucker with the information. Explain the deal. I need his information. Simple. But he lives in Filth Town, and I am not there, but here. Now, I know he comes here for business, regularly, why not meet up here? Easier for me, and I am bringing money to the table. No, I have to go out to filth town to bloody take some tea with him, see the hovels of people waiting to be employed, blah blah blah, listen to his transparent lies and MAYBE get something resembling information. I only want resemblance. Not bloody likely to get it.
So, I am betting I leave this afternoon to waste my time in some bloody worthless waste of human flesh stinking hole to get nothing but tea and some lies that are not even particularly worthwhile.
UPDATE:
An actual conversation with the Bourse.
"Hello, I am calling on behalf of a foreign investor, I want information on [some data on volumes data on-line] at your website. Can I speak with your Communications department?"
"You're calling from where?"
"[Location]"
"For whom?"
"A foreign investor who doesn't want to be identified, I really don't see what the relevance is, I just want to check on something on your public site with your communications deparment."
"Please hold"
Wait, Wait.
"Hello, can you call back later, say around 15:00?"
"Sure, but now the money's going to another exchange. Good work on attacting money."
Update II
Actual Conversation II. Some modifications to protect the guilty.
This with "A Very Large Arab Bank and Regional Player" Headquarters. (Headquarters, again HEADQUARTERS)
(in loose colloquial translation of course)
Lounsbury: "Hello, I would like to have Mrs. Hamaqa, in your risk capital department - or investment capital department" [AKA I'd like to speak to Mrs. LooneyTunes in your private equity department; Mrs. LooneyTunes is the Director]
Receptionst: "Right away, [polite nonsense]"
Mrs. Hamaqa: "Hello, This is Mrs. Hamaga" (bedou accent)
Lounsbury: "Good Day, Mrs. Hamaqa, I am Lounsbury of [Incompetent Idiots, Inc.], I'd like to speak to you [About An Important Subject in Re Private Placements], Mr. Zelzela referred me." (Mr. Zelzela -Mr. Earthquake to you- is a Big Swinging D)
Mrs. Hamaqa: "I'm Sorry, I am the wrong Mrs. Hamaqa, I am in [completely irrelevant cost center type department]." Hangs up.
Lounsbury. Motherfucking rude assholes. Okay, here we go again. [Ring up the bloody worthless receptionist again, many tries, get through]
Lounsbury: "Good Day, I would like to speak with your risk capital department - or investment capital department."
Receptionist: "Yes Sir, [cheery airheaded Leb Slut nonsense]"
[Long motherfucking time on hold.]
[Answer]
Lounsbury: "Good Day, is this Mrs. Hamaqa of the Risk Capital Department? I am Lounsbury of [Incompetent Idiots, Inc.], I'd like to speak to you [About An Important Subject in Re Private Placements], Mr. Zelzela referred me."
Some Unidentified Confused Person: "No Sir, this is Risk Management. You want what?"
Lounsbury: [Suppresed cursuing] "Ahem, I am looking for your investment capital department, you know direct investments?"
SUCP: "Direct Investments?" [As if the person had never considered the concept before.]
Lounsbury: "Yeeeees. Direct investments. As in companies, directly investing in companies. Equities?"
SUCP: "Oh, our investment banking division?"
Lounsbury: "Well.... close enough." [Actually no, but indeed close enough]
[On hold for a long fucking time]
Another Unidentified Clueless Git: "Hello?"
Lounsbury: "Good Day, is this the investment banking division?"
AUCG: "No Sir, this is Capital Markets."
Lounsbury. "Right. Of course. What else would it be. Sorry about this, could you connect me with Investment Banking? Or better the Investment Capital Department?"
AUCG: "Certainly" [Puts down phone]
[Waiting, waiting, waiting]
Yet Another Clueless Git: "Hello?"
Lounsbury: "Good Day, your colleague was going to transfer me to investment banking."
YACG: "Ah Yes Sir."
[On hold]
[Disconnected]
Lounsbury: Bloody clueless morons. [Redial]
Receptionist: "Blah blah blah"
Lounsbury: "Good Day. Please wait a moment, I have been sent to the wrong office several times now. I would like to be connected with the Department of Investment Capital or Risk Capital. That means direct investing, like investment banking."
Receptionist: "Blah Blah Blah." Chirpy Twittery.
Transfer
Original Clueless Git: "Department of Risk Management"
Repeat Entire Process 5 times.
Posted by The Lounsbury at June 3, 2005 09:50 AM
Filed Under:
Jan-July 2005
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