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June 17, 2006
Some Closing Thoughts on Cancer
Barring terrible news from my next scan, I am cured. This is it.
As I try to get used to the concept, after six months of grueling hell that is chemotherapy (and let me emphasize that all those nasty stories about chemo are quite accurate. I'd rather have my collarbone shattered again than do chemo another time), a couple of thoughts.
First, I am learning as I preprare to ramp up work that I may be somewhat limited in the energy I have to devote to blithering on here. Already my first efforts are teaching me that my rather magical idea that as Chemo wound up in its final stage, that I would immediately return to pre Cancer vigour proving to more than slightly .... well magical thinking. Indeed, I am beginning to suspect that six or seven months of being chemically poisoned and generally living like a vegetable with an impaired immune system has had a significant impact on my general physical reserves. Some unkind observers might suggest this should have been obvious, but I excuse my magical thinking by the simple observation that I spent six months thinking I might be "on death row" that the very suggestion I am finally cured induced some might magical thinking on my part. Lessons learned.
Second, again as I try to ramp up to work, I am finding that thinking clearly requires energy. Amazing how unclear and foggy one is when exhausted and drugged to the gills for pain. Pity the poor consultant working for/with me who has had to endure some really strange and incoherent phone calls. Lesson? Never make a business call after consuming a serious amount of both coffee and narcotics, while in a state of near total exhaustion from one's sudden and fairly unrealistic decision to ramp up activity suddenly.
Third, the "peripheral neuropathology" (i.e. loss of feeling in certain extremities, e.g. fingertips) that seemed merely irritating when working at a less-sustained rhythm and in comfort of say a living room couch, suddenly seems upsetting and mentally disturbing when trying to do things full out.
Fourth, mentally one does feel .... very strange going from thinking one may be living with a death sentance to, with a perhaps miniscule risk of post-Chemo return, being cured. It's very strange. I am not even sure how to talk about it, what to say, etc. Cured, in theory, if the next tests hold up. The suddenness is a bit disorienting. Has made it a bit hard to think about MENA issues and the like.
At least World Cup is distracting me.
[Added thought: being in public (quasi public, checking into office) has made me rather aware of how much pain medication I am popping. 400 mg of narcotics min, plus maybe 1600 mg of ibuprofene daily. That's a fucking lot, which doesn't seem so noticable all alone, but suddenly surrounded by people noticing the pills.... feels awkward.]
Posted by The Lounsbury at June 17, 2006 10:01 PM
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Comments
Well, thank God.
Congratulations, mate.
Posted by: David Weman at June 17, 2006 11:13 PM
Yeah.
Although let's not jinx me. It ain't over until its over, and I gots to have a clean set of tests to end of month. The odds are heavily in me favour but it's the small point X percent thing that the paranoid side of me focuses on.
Posted by: The Lounsbury at June 17, 2006 11:27 PM
You'll have plenty of time to ponder the wider philosophical implications of being Cured later. Just focus on getting your scummy self back into good health.
As for your little narc habit, well that just makes my earlier House comparison prescient, eh?
Posted by: eerie
at June 18, 2006 12:45 AM
Yes, indeed it does.
I like House quite a lot (although before you drew my attention to the same I had no idea it existed). Although I do have better people skills.
Posted by: The Lounsbury at June 18, 2006 12:52 AM
Well, glad to hear it's getting better.
Which makes me think, my ex-employee finally dropped me a mail a couple of weeks ago. She eventually went through the therapy and her comments pretty much reflect yours.
My respect, L.
Posted by: Shaheen at June 18, 2006 05:57 AM
Congratulations.
Posted by: zurn
at June 18, 2006 05:57 AM
Congratulations, not only to you but also to ourselves, your dedicated readers, as we will hopefuly have many more years of entertaining and informative rantings on matters Middle Eastern and otherwise.
Posted by: Kao Hsienchih
at June 18, 2006 07:18 AM
ya abu l-maal,
what the others said.
--raf*
Posted by: raf* at June 18, 2006 05:58 PM
yeah, mabruk.
Posted by: alle at June 18, 2006 06:17 PM
No jinxs. I'll just hope for the best.
You're a real trooper, Coll.
Posted by: Tamerlane at June 18, 2006 06:29 PM
Huzzah! (A conditional huzzah, of course, depending on further tests).
Posted by: Tom Scudder at June 18, 2006 07:27 PM
Alive, not dead.
A special phrase of mine that I used to use ironically during heavy work.
Has more meaning now.
Posted by: The Lounsbury at June 18, 2006 07:37 PM
Mabrouk!
Posted by: ahlam at June 18, 2006 09:02 PM
Excellent news !
Slow, steady and consistent, with ample rest, is the best way to rehab your condition. Probably a lot of lean tissue to recover as well.
Posted by: mark safranski at June 18, 2006 10:55 PM
Congratulations - that is fantastic news.
Posted by: secretdubai
at June 19, 2006 12:07 AM
Well, yes, but let me emphasize that I have to get a final clean bill from some more scans. It's blood work and probabilities at the moment, and while the odds are amazingly in me favour, I can still get stabbed in the back by a bad turn. My cancer itself is freakishly rare, so at the moment I have a healthy respect for the low probability outcomes.
Posted by: The Lounsbury at June 19, 2006 01:28 AM
Excellent!
And, I suppose if you're going to have cancer it should be a stylishly rare one.
Let's not overdo the rare part though. You can run anything into the ground.
Posted by: pantom at June 19, 2006 03:29 AM
L: i'll hold my congradulations until you have a clean bill of health. does this mean you'll be able to resume consumption of cuban comfort?
speaking of cuban comfort, what i had at a party last night certainly wasn't that!
Posted by: drdougfir
at June 19, 2006 04:54 AM
Is it possible to have a true vacation of sorts?
I'm very glad this ordeal of yours is hopefully over. My best....
Posted by: Eddie at June 19, 2006 11:39 AM
I hope things go better for you from here.
Posted by: Jackmormon at June 19, 2006 03:33 PM
Very glad you're on the mend. Keep on keeping on, mate.
Posted by: shelbo at June 21, 2006 02:30 AM
Good to hear. Does this mean you are no longer naming blood cells?
Posted by: dubaiwalla
at June 21, 2006 12:49 PM
Congratulations. I was always confident that you would prove to be meaner and tougher than cancer.
Posted by: Roger Bigod at June 21, 2006 04:14 PM
Thanks, I am hoping that I am in fact meaner than the cancer, but that fab. PET scan in about 2 weeks is the real proof. Might still be some evil boys lurking about.
And yeah, my counts should come up now such that I will no longer be able to name cells individually. Unfortunately the bone pain is a bitch in the meantime.
I also note the peripheral neuropathy (numbness of fingertimes, soles of feet, etc) does not seem to be improving. I hope it does, as the sensation is somewhat creepy.
Posted by: The Lounsbury at June 22, 2006 01:21 AM
The neuropathy may take a while. If you lost the distal part of a nerve cell's axon, it has to regenerate back to the fingers or wherever, and the rate is about 1 mm/day. The axon isn't necessarily damaged all the way back to spinal cord though, so time to recovery is variable. Until they get connected with the sensors in the skin, the nerves are prone to random excitability, giving rise to charming sensations of burning, tingling, cramping etc.
Stamina should come back in a few weeks. Stress chemicals cause some protein breakdown in muscle. Weight gain might be a proxy for this.
Posted by: Roger Bigod at June 22, 2006 06:53 AM

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